Laws of nature don't always apply down on the farm

NEWS OF NOTE

Friday, Oct. 30, 2009

For instance, the law of conservation of mass says that a cat that weighs 7.5 pounds will always weigh 7.5 pounds unless something is taken away or added. So how come when they want to be fed it feels like each of their paws weighs about 50 pounds as they trample all over us in the morning desperate for their byproducts? But when they're feeling nice and they jump up in your lap all sweet and purring, it feels like they weigh nothing. We need some more study of this, and maybe a Special Theory of Feline Relativity to account for it.

Similarly, a 20-pound corgi 24 inches or so long should take up maybe an eighth of a queen-size bed. How is it that our corgis can take as much as three-fourths of the available space, leaving me and my beautiful wife with body parts hanging over the edge and severe comforter deficits leading, in some cases, to near-frostbite chilliness? And how can our cats, that seem so clean, drag the accumulation of grit and small gravel that seems to build up every week on the bedclothes? My beautiful wife still occasionally calls Lulu, the 22-year-old codger cat "pestiferous crumb cat" long after an unfortunate incident which involved the then-spunky Lu running riot under the covers late one night, and thereby, in MBW's mind, spreading a quotient of sand and cobbles between the sheets.

Our current understanding of germ theory should condemn the dogs to early, painful deaths. If any human drank out of random mud puddles, ate fast-food wrappers from the side of the road or scarfed up and/or rolled in every single dead animal she saw, that human would be dead very quickly. The dogs routinely do all these things (and even more unsavory things which I am not mentioning in the interest of good taste, like eating the cats' egested hairballs and snacking on frozen horse manure in season), and blithely charge along with no apparent ill effects. Are they immune to microbes in general? Do they build up immunity over time? Are they so gross that even bacteria can't stand to infect them? There's a Ph.D. dissertation in there somewhere.

The chickens don't really violate the laws of nature (though if you compare the size of a jumbo egg to a chicken's butt you have to wonder) but heading into winter they do violate the laws of common sense. They begin molting in late September, and aren't completely refledged until about Christmas, meaning they spend a significant portion of the coldest days of the year half-naked, huddled together and shivering in the corner of the coop where their shavings are deepest. I feel some sympathy for them, but not as much as I would if half-naked chickens didn't look so ridiculous. Plus they stop giving eggs almost entirely, and I really get grumpy when I have to buy them at the store.

Of course humans under some conditions can violate natural law as well. A sleeping baby gets heavier and heavier until he pins a full-grown adult to the couch, and the mysterious power of cuteness rays that emanate from a little girl in a princess dress can make her daddy do just about anything.

Maybe an eminent scientist could shed some light on this subject, like the one (this segue violates all the laws of humor) mentioned in the item below.

Red Cross schedules water safety speaker

The Southern Maryland chapter of the American Cross in conjunction with the College of Southern Maryland will host guest speaker Tom Griffiths from 1 to 3 p.m. Nov. 11 as he presents "Shallow Water Blackouts" at the college's La Plata campus at 8730 Mitchell Road.

Griffiths will discuss the dangers of swimmers holding their breath in order to increase endurance, said Deborah Storey, the Red Cross's health and safety director.

Storey said when a swimmer hyperventilates — rapidly breathing in and out before going under water to help stay under longer — it can be dangerous.

Another danger, according to a press release, is jumping up and down in water while holding in breath.

Many people die from this practice, Storey said.

Griffiths, in his presentation, will explain that during these practices, "a person can inadvertently breathe in a manner similar to hyperventilating, causing a low carbon dioxide level in his blood, then stay under too long because they do not get the normal sensation to breathe until it is too late," according to a press release from the Red Cross.

Storey said someone approached her with a DVD by Griffiths about shallow water blackouts.

"I know this is a practice [in Southern Maryland] just in my little experience at pools," she said.

Because the American Red Cross is in the business of not only saving lives, but also preparing for, preventing and providing relief, Storey said it was important to offer Griffiths two-hour presentation in the area.

"A kid who just wants to see if he can beat his friend [holding breath under water] is one thing," but Storey said making a habit of this practice to attempt to increase endurance is dangerous.

According to the release, Griffiths conducted much of his research during his 25 years at Penn State University as director of aquatics and safety officer for athletics. Involved in aquatics and water safety for 30 years, Griffiths has written more than 300 related articles.

Registration is $10 and seating for the event is limited. The event is open to public, and Storey recommends that anyone attend especially those who deal in water safety in any way.

"It's in plain and simple everyday language," Storey said.

To register go to http://SouthernMaryland.RedCross.org. For more information, call 888-276-2766.

Awareness urged on male breast cancer

Out of the Shadow of Pink and The Brandon Greening Foundation, two organizations devoted to raising awareness of breast cancer in men, are teaming up in a drive to make the third week in October Male Breast Cancer Awareness week.

Out of the Shadow of Pink was founded by Cathy Reid in 2005 after her husband, Joe, was diagnosed with male breast cancer. Despite aggressive treatment at Johns Hopkins University Medical Center, he lost his battle with the illness in September 2008.

Greening began his foundation in 2007 after learning of his own diagnosis. The United Parcel Service veteran and youth football coach has twice driven his cancer into remission, only to see it return.

Breast cancer mortality rates remain much higher in men than women, due in large part to earlier diagnoses in women. Greening has stressed that men, specifically those older than 40 or with a family history of breast cancer, should get checked out at the first sign of any abnormality.

Reid has pointed out that creating a Male Breast Cancer Awareness Week will help afford men the same opportunity that women have to benefit from early detection and treatment.

To get involved, go to www.outoftheshadowofpink.

com/Male-Breast-Cancer-Awareness-Week-Campaign.html or www.breastcancerinmen.org.

Commuter assistance

The Maryland Transit Administration recently announced that the phone number for the monthly credit card sales of commuter bus tickets has been changed. The new number is 410-767-3439. To purchase commuter bus tickets and passes go to www.mtamaryland.com and follow the guidelines.

The Tri-County Council for Southern Maryland can assist employers who are interested in developing and implementing bicycling programs for employees. Interested employers can call the council at 301-870-2520 or 800-SO-CLOSE.

Tuition assistance applications available

Applications for families interested in receiving tuition assistance from the Archdiocese of Washington are available online at www.CatholicSchoolsWork.org.

The deadline to apply for the assistance is Dec. 4.

The Archdiocese of Washington hopes to award more than $4 million in tuition assistance for 2010-11 and works hard to keep Catholic education as affordable as possible, according to a press release from the archdiocese.

Part of this effort is the tuition assistance program, available to students applying to or currently enrolled in Catholic schools within the archdiocese Including Charles, Calvert, St. Mary's and Prince George's counties in Southern Maryland.

All tuition assistance obtained through the archdiocese is based on financial need. Families must apply each year to receive assistance and need must be demonstrated each year to qualify.